End of Life Care
When a death is on the horizon, emotions and tasks can become overwhelming. Most of us could benefit from companionship, practical help, and facilitated conversations. I am available for both in person and online support for those facing end of life challenges and their loved ones.
I bring experience with in-home caregiving, DWD/EOLD, navigating hospital and hospice services, dementia care, and the complex family/community dynamics that arise with deaths due to violence, suicide, and overdose. As a queer person with a background in harm reduction, I have a passion for supporting those who may not always feel safe in the medical, mental health, or other institutional systems.
The field of death doulas/end of life care companions is both a growing one and still quite unregulated. Many of us have learned from direct experience, but there are also training programs that support the doula skill set. I studied with Alua Arthur, author of Briefly Perfectly Human, am a graduate of the Going With Grace program and am committed to my own ongoing education. My additional training includes hospice volunteer training, both online and in person, and I am certified by the National End of Life Doula Association.
My work has been covered by NBC, I’ve presented at the GWG Doula Alumni Summit, the NEDA Doulapalooza Conference, and the Guaranteed Hospice Education series, and I offer guest lectures for therapists, social workers, and other people who will be caring for the grieving and the dying. My Gentle Intro to Advance Planning workshop is a helpful entry point for those are ready to get their paperwork together to protect their own wishes and guide decision-making at their end of life.
I was a full time caregiver through a family member's death from dementia, and have been bedside for very different dying experiences, including a planned Death with Dignity, since I began my dedicated training in 2019. I create grief circles, legacy projects, and more relaxing care environments. I support those in deep mortal fear, those navigating challenging families, and those who are grieving.
Every doula has different skills to offer. Mine include supporting complex grief, simplifying organizational tasks and finding practical solutions to caregiving challenges, creating legacy projects and encouraging life review, navigating difficult conversations with family/loved ones, education on the dying process, and active-dying vigil support. For those who love ritual and ceremony, I facilitate personalized, sacred experiences that help process the beauty, difficulty, and mystery of a death and celebrate a loved one’s life.
What does a death doula do?
There is no wrong time! The most common experiences involve a terminal diagnosis, a doctor’s suggestion that a patient enter hospice care, a decision to cease intrusive treatments for cancer or another illness, or a shift in the behavior or functioning of a loved one with Alzheimer’s/dementia. I am grateful to join your team at any point. After a loved one has passed, a death doula can help reprocess the experience and support the practical work of wrapping up a life. I am also a gentle guide to advanced care planning, and helping adults at any age get paperwork together that protects their wishes and their loved ones.
I offer a complimentary 30 min call where we can chat about your situation and see if I am a good fit for you.
When should I call a death doula?
Watch Vanessa speak about the growing field of death care work on NBC’s Death Doula series
Read Vanessa’s reflections on the Dying For Sex film in Toronto Star
Read Vanessa’s perspective on queering death in Xtra*
See Vanessa speak about intimacy at end of life at the National End of Life Doula Alliance Conference
How I got started
My friend Kathy, who had terminal cancer, noticed that I was “not scared of this stuff” and told me that was a good thing. I began training as a death doula because I wanted to be more useful to her and her partner. She died during my second week of death doula training. I discovered that I wanted to keep going to the classes and completing the reading and writing assignments. I was entering a field of immense, beautiful, difficult questions, not just for her, but for myself, and the people I might support in the future, too.
Shortly after I completed my death doula and hospice volunteer training in 2020, we brought my grandmother home from a memory care facility and on to hospice. I committed to being one of her caregivers.
The doctor at the hospital had told us she had days. I now tell people that while love can’t cure kidney failure, I do believe it can sometimes slow it down. We got nearly four months with her, celebrated her 95th birthday, and then were allowed the grace of her peaceful death in a room where she had felt safe, honored, and beloved. My grandmother Laura taught me so much in her life, and I have carried the unexpected and poignant lessons of her dying time also into my doula practice.
My grandma Laura and me, August 2020
Testimonials
“Vanessa is wonderful. When I could not be there for Uncle Bob, they were. When we first met, I immediately realized their ability to connect and relate to those around them. They provided me with piece of mind, but more importantly they gave Uncle Bob something very special that is hard to put into words. Thank you Vanessa for everything.”
—Mark